It’s not just coronavirus cases – curtain-twitching and conspiracy theories are also increasing exponentially

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Who isn’t fascinated with infection rate graphs right now? My own loose theory is that you could use them to track much more than just the spread of coronavirus: change the label on the x axis and every one of them could easily represent data on how many people in the UK are currently getting too into jigsaws, for example, or growing very weak moustaches, or grappling with a sourdough. (The frighteningly steep lines depicting the out-of-control spread of new cases also neatly illustrate the world’s horniness pandemic – with everyone locked inside and the rising sap of spring, this is arguably the most sexually desperate moment in all of human history. Look at the graphs. The planet has never been hornier.)

The graphs are also neatly tracking two other viral…

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